I just started the book of Job last night as part of my reading plan. (Hard to believe another year has almost come and gone!) Boy are those two first chapters weighty, beautiful, painful and oh so encouraging in the midst of trials. As I read, I couldn't help but have the words of one of my favorite Sovereign Grace songs play in my head. "As Long as You are Glorified" must have been taken from these two chapters!(Side note...the CD it's on, "Come Weary Saints", is on sale right now!)
Anyway, I got to thinking about suffering and pain and Job's 3 friends. They get such a bum rap, but they sat for 7 WHOLE DAYS with him in silence before they even opened up their mouths. It appears that they truly came alongside of him in his grief and grieved with him. They were broken to see the situation that he was in. Unfortunately, it also seems as if their thoughts shifted in those 7 days from mourning to accusing...from grief to assumption...from bearing his burden to heaping burden upon Job.
The reality of it is, we have or will all go through situations in which we suffer intensely. We feel pain so deeply, physically or emotionally, that it takes our breath away. And I know so many of you who read my blog have been in situations like that already and I thought I would pose some questions today:
How were you encouraged most by other believers during that time? What would you share with someone who was seeking to minister to someone who was hurting deeply? Was there anything you needed most but didn't receive or something you received but that only hurt more?
As I think this through, I realize that there could be as many different answers as there are people and that doesn't necessarily make one right and the other wrong..we are all different. I know that there are different times for everything...a time to speak and a time to be quiet and time to laugh and a time to cry. I remember so clearly the times of being thankful for just having someone there who cared when Garett died, so thankful for those who gave me a hug and cried with me and said nothing at all. But I am just as thankful for the truths of Scripture that were woven in the cards that we got and the words that were said...God's words are the words of life as Peter himself said. And I needed those sweet words of life in the midst of death.
I guess I am just asking because we live in a fallen world. Pain is inevitable and, in the end, I want to learn from the mistakes Job's friends made and I truly want to be a faithful friend to those who are suffering. I am guessing you do to, so that is what prompted me to "throw out" these thoughts!
And I also know that intense pain may very well hit me again by the Sovereign hand of God, so I also want to be prepared and be so in love with Jesus that I can echo, in all sincerity, the words of Job:
"The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away, blessed be the name of the Lord...Shall we indeed accept good from God and not accept adversity?" Job 1:21a and Job 2:10b
P.S. I'll be the first to comment on my post!:) I read an article by Molly Piper (John Piper's daughter-in-law) on her blog about something that was a precious encouragement to her in the midst of losing a baby and it was a really neat perspective, so I thought I would pass it on.
Comments
Good questions and you are right, not easy to answer because not only is everyone different, but from one day to the next what was helpful may change for that one person! Grief is like that.
Our closest friends helped us the most because they were there a lot. They have been willing to go through the very dark times with us - no judging, just support. They ask us if we want to be together on anniversaries or birthdays.
Since it has been over three years, one thing that blesses me greatly now is when someone acknowledges my existing pain and loss. It does NOT go away just because time has passed.
I think that at this point, that is the hardest thing for me is when people just ignore what has happened. I realize they do this because they aren't sure how to act with us or they don't know what to say.
That is the funny thing about Job's friends. They did hang in there for awhile. They did what is really needed in that mind numbing, crushing first week. They just sat there with him in his grief. I know I was in shock or something until after Grant's service.
I wonder if Job's friends breaking their silence isn't similar to something I have experienced. Grief is painful and it can be awkward watching someone go through it. You aren't sure what to do and you really do want to do something that will help. I think that might have been part of their issue. But, there is another, I think. People want to move on. They aren't sure why you aren't moving on. If they have not experienced a similar trial they cannot empathyze with your suffering. They don't realize how long of a process it can be. You cannot rush it and everyone has their own pace. So, I guess the advice is to let them go it at their own pace.
If you are close to that person, ask them if you can do something specific. Don't say, "Let me know if there is something I can do for you." That is too hard. Just say, I am going to do...... Will Tuesday or Friday be better? Bringing food is great - especially something they can freeze and heat when they need it and give it in containers that you don't need returned. Offer to drop by with basic groceries or to run an errand. I know when I went out for awhile I felt like I had a neon sign above me proclaiming my pain. It was hard to go out and do things.
Speak about the person they lost. When people completely avoid their name or the fact that they existed it really causes more pain than if you accidentally say the "wrong" thing. Quite honestly, I felt like God's grace covered up even bumbling attempts to console us.
Be really careful about what scripture you share. That person may not be ready to grasp Rom. 8:28or Job 1:21. If you know the person really well and know where they are, you can gauge that better. Stick with comforting scriptures.
Do not give someone a book you have not read or had someone recommend that you really trust. I was given a few books that were really inappropriate and upset me.
Send them a comforting card months afterwards, a year afterward! Do not forget and let them know that. It is SO encouraging!
That is all I can think of at the moment. :-)
Job is SUCH a wonderful book. The glory, power, majesty, mercy, and sovereignty of God is so evident. God let Job wallow in his pain for quite awhile before he "set him straight". (And remember, he is the omniscient God who knew Job's heart!) I think we need to be just as patient with suffering people!
That CD from Sovereign Grace is so great. I listen to it all the time. I love the Biblical truths in those songs. It is a blessing.
Make a Decision to Love: Educate yourself. http://thepipers.wordpress.com/2009/10/05/make-a-decision-to-love-educate-yourself/. I have to echo her and also you in that God's words are the words of life as Peter himself said, I'm thankful God placed it on your heart to post this. ♥
When Lillie was in and out of the hospital her first year of life and we were there for 2 weeks each time I cant express the love and comfort our family felt with coolers full of food from a group of presiuos women and you all did it for our stay each time Lillie was hospitalized!It allowed us to be free from paying out so much money in cafeteria food and the worries that come with that!Another encouragement was that all of our bible study group put packets together for each day we were in the hospital!at one of our hospiatl stays and each day I was to open a packet filled with verses,cd's,books and copies of those encouraging notes to give to others in the hospital with there children!not only was it encouraging it lifted my spirts and helped us to take our eyes off of ourselves and on others and what they are going through in the middle of our trial and the fact that I was able to minister to others blessed my heart in so many ways!
another way I was encouraged by others was my 2 older children were tooken care of by family and friends while my husband worked and I stayed with Lillie 24/7 at the hospital!Food was not only made for me but was also made for my husband!All the things a wife would have concerns of if it would be tooken care of.I still weekly have people ask me how Lillie is doing and I love that because people are showing how they care and that even though we are not in and out of the hospital we still daily face her sickness daily and the struggle it can be when foods are of issue:)besides that it opens a door for lifting up Christ and all he has done in our life with our children.
Our community came together after friends and family put a fundraiser together to help pay for our medical expenses that were consuming us!My husband and I were able to glorifie Christ with all he had been doing in our lifes witth a speech before the 5k run! we were also able to put bible verses on big poster paper for all to see while they ran:)PRAISE GOD!!Oh and even on the water bottle to:)whats more encouraging then that???
Another thing that was very encouraging and ment so much was when we were in the hospital with addison with her asthma attack was the pastor coming a hour out of his way to see her!It lifted my spirts and made me feel as though my daughter and our family and what we were facing was important.
I think no matter what someone may be facing you should always be in there trying to seek to help in ways you can!A call to the hospital where that person is or a e-mail to the hospital to be delivered or a visit!cooking meals, cleaning there home,watching there children,praying for them,cards,asking God for wisdom in how to reach that family or person.I know it can be hard at times because if you have not faced something like what that person might be facing you dont know what to say or do!I have always just said " I dont know what to say or do but please know Iam praying for you and I would love to help out in any way I can to make this load a little lighter" and you can even ask someone they are close with what you can do to encourage them if you are not close to them!
I hope this helps I think its great to hear people from all diffrent walks and how to encourage eachother in them:)
The other thing that hits me about Jobs friends is how hard it is for us as broken humans to go through extended periods of grief/pain with others. We're good at the beginning when our hearts are so broken for our loved ones, but then our own lives continue on as theirs seem on a stand still and we become impatient and less compassionate. It's a great reminder that only the Lord will walk ALL the way through with us!