There are times when I like to be really open and honest on my blog and other times where I do so with a bit of trepidation. Will what I want to share come out right? Will it bless the reader or cause them to question what I have written? Will it encourage and build up or will it leave me "looking bad"? But, in the end, I have learned that I already look "bad"...I am just a cracked pot after all! And, in the end, it's not about me, but Christ working through me. So, my goal has been and continues to be honesty and authenticity as I seek to glorify God in my life, thoughts, words and actions!
With that said...I have been struggling to "rejoice always" and "give thanks in all circumstances". I have felt tired, weary and overwhelmed with how much there is to do each day! Things that were joyfully done in the past have required much more prayer and repenting as I find my joy slipping. It's as though all the stress and strain and change and adjustments from this past year have caught up with me and left me looking for the nearest "hole" to crawl into!:) Honestly, I haven't been able to find the right words for it (besides just plain ol' sin!) until I read an article in WORLD a few days ago that hit it on the head for me.
"Some of us can do it all, for awhile, but I come to the end of this season limp, drained of my capacity for joy at just the moment when there is most to enjoy. What I end up with in a time of perpetual feasting feels more like a persistent fast. I gnaw at a vast cluster of bones but miss the choicest pieces of marrow...." (You can read the whole article here!)
That was it....I have felt drained of my capacity for joy at just the moment when there is most to enjoy! I know where my joy comes from...it comes from the Lord.In fact, Nehemiah 8:10 says that the JOY OF THE LORD is my strength. Joy comes from being satisfied in HIM above all. It comes from recognizing that apart from Him I have no good thing. That IN HIM there is fullness of joy, at His right hand are pleasures forevermore! It does not matter what my circumstances are like (and, to be honest, my circumstances are absolutely amazing and beautiful!)...it matters where my eyes are fixed and whether or not I am taking my thoughts captive and renewing them through the Word of God.
Pastor Rob preached this past Sunday on what is needed for revival (joy) in our hearts (based on Nehemiah 7-8). It begins with God-centerdness...everything we do should overflow out of a love for God and a desire to glorify Him (everything I do can and should be an act of worship!). It continues with having a love for the Word of God. His Word should fill up my senses. It should be what I read, study, meditate on and preach to myself. That should overflow in joyful responses, in joyful obedience...in a joyful heart!
I have been reading Psalm 119 this week and it has been such a beautiful "echo" of the message I heard on Sunday. If you ever have a day where you find yourself thinking that it's not such a big deal to miss being in the Word of God...go read Psalm 119. Through His Word we find delight, freedom, greater reverence for God, understanding, wisdom, strength, the way that is pure, confidence, a thankful heart, wonderful things that we did not know before, counsel, an enlarged heart, a recognition that God is our portion, a light to our path, the joy of our heart and we find that the goal of affliction is to draw us to read, study and meditate on the Word of God...to know and love Him more!
So, I conclude that, while my feelings (or lack of feelings!) have been very real and have caused me much sadness and even confusion...the answer is the Word of God. The answer is getting swallowed up in Who God is and who I am IN HIM! All of life should drive us to and point us to the Gospel...to God and His Word!
And, as I seek God through His Word and meditate on His truth and not the lies I am so quick to listen to..I find my heart begin to soar, my perspective change, and my soul crying out with Asaph in Psalm 73:25-26:
"Whom have I in Heaven but You? And besides You, I desire nothing on earth. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
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I think this applies to all of our Christian life. In fact, the girls and I were reading a book tonight before bed and the character in it was talking with a friend who said they thought they were a Christian, but they didn't "feel" like they were anymore. She said, "It doesn't matter how you feel. You have to believe God's words are true."