"You work in words, but your spouse does not. So when there are decisions to be made or arguments to be had, say your bit, but then step away and allow him or her to catch up, to form those thoughts, to make that full reply. Be sure you aren’t carrying the day because of the freedom with which your words flow rather than the conformity they display to the will of God." Tim Challies
I’m not sure if this is true for you, but it is true for me. You might wonder how that is possible. After all, Bryan is a pastor and “works in words” even more than I do. The difference is our personality. I’m pretty good “winning the argument” in the moment because I can often be fast with my words. Bryan thinks, he ponders, he weighs his words…and I’m often done speaking all mine before he has even begun.
I may win the argument, but I’ve hurt our marriage. I may say all I’ve wanted to say, but I didn’t submit my will and words first to Christ. I may sound eloquent, but I did not glorify God and live out the one another’s before my husband. I have learned the immense gift of Bryan’s measured words, of giving him time to ponder before He speaks. I have seen the fruit of growth in my own heart as I wait on the Lord while I wait for Bryan and the fruit that has come from listening and learning from him. We are both so different, and we can spend all our time grumbling about those differences. But it is far better to give thanks for the creative work of God in the “different” and experience the joy of working together, complimenting each other, encouraging each other, and working together to complete the task, to contemplate the next step, or to walk the trial.
This principle also rings true in all of our relationships: as a parent, sibling, child, or friend. This rings true in small groups, bible studies, and times of discipleship. When words come easy, it can be easy to dominate, easy to answer the question first, easy to start a conversation and keep it one-sided, easy to share…and then share some more. But easy doesn’t always mean helpful. Easy doesn’t always mean fruitful. Easy doesn’t always mean it’s the best.
There is amazing beauty and value in keeping silent and letting (what feels to us) awkward silence have its way for a few moments. Because it’s often in that silence that others are pondering, others are processing, others are formulating thoughts into sentences…and when they speak, it’s worth listening. We learn. We grow. We gain a deeper understanding of them as a person and see glimpses of their heart that we might not otherwise see. That leads to a greater appreciation of them, which leads to a greater trust that then blossoms into a deeper friendship. Plain and simple, we enjoy each other more.
Awkward silence…try it! It just might be the best thing that happened in your relationships! :)
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